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What is a deal breaker vs. an irritation?

 

Written Answer (transcript of audio):

STEPHANIE: Well certainly relationships have their share of irritants. But the important things to look at are the deal breakers. When you find little things that you just don’t like, that get on your nerves, find out how important it is. Like maybe on a scale of one to ten, decide if it’s something that really is just an irritant or a deal breaker. What would you describe as a deal breaker, Bart?

BART: Well, somebody that, for example, would only have sex on Sundays. That would be a deal breaker for me. I never have sex. An irritant would be something like you know, they squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, or they chew with their mouth open. And little things like that, which are a little bit annoying in certain situations, but you know, everything else is so good, I wouldn’t do that.

STEPHANIE: Now how about if someone leaves the car dirty all the time? And the car is constantly dirty and you really value having a good clean car?

BART: Well that, to me, sounds like an irritant, because that doesn’t.... Having a clean car does not resonate with my highest values. It doesn’t mean I don’t have my freedom or I don’t feel loved. All the more important things of reason in your relationship. Now what most people make that mean is, and I’ve had that exact conversation with having the car dirty. And it’s funny because I was the.... I had the clean car, which is weird because I had the dirty house. So the shoe was on the exact other foot when it would come to the dishes and things. But I was like I took that to mean that she didn’t respect me because she’d borrow my car.

   

STEPHANIE:: Well, then you’re down to values, because respect is a value that you have to have.

BART: Yeah, and that’s why it was irritating because all of a sudden I didn’t feel respected, which is why people get their wire up.

STEPHANIE: So was that an irritant or a deal breaker?

BART: It was an irritant because all I had to do was realize that her intention was not to not respect me. It was simply because she was in a hurry. It was really, and I made it mean something that it didn’t really mean.

STEPHANIE:: So when you look at it like that, you find out if it’s an irritant or a deal breaker. Look at if it really does attack your value and then find out if that was really the intention of the other person, so that you know if it’s a values problem or if it’s just an irritant.

BART: Well in that case, it was real easy to solve that. Either she can’t drive my car anymore, or I just spend once a week cleaning out my car. Because I know that she’s not going to do that. I can get all upset about it and I could say, "Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah," but you know what? That’s not who she is. But you know what that has nothing to do with feeling loved or being supported or being loyal. Some of the other things, which are more of what we call "deal breakers."

STEPHANIE: Right. Well let’s give an example in the next question then.

BART: Okay.

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